Tom's Life in Pieces
by ButterscotchCandybatch
Summary: Tom's reflections on aspects of his life. Paris/Torres romantically involved, but be warned, this is ANGST and involves CHARACTER DEATH. Don't read if this will upset you. 20 drabbles of exactly 100 words each.


This was written for the LiveJournal Team Janeway 20-in-20 Challenge. (20 stories in 20 days.) Sticks close to canon for the most part, but some episodes slightly out of order to accommodate the given titles. Contains spoilers for nearly every episode in Season 5.

**1. Beginnings:**

I remember exactly how it started. When I was four my mother showed me a holographic star map of where my father, Captain Paris, was leading a mission. I had always known that I was destined for StarFleet, like every Paris male before me (and most of the females). But at that moment I realized I wanted to *fly* – I wanted to be the one to pilot the ship between those stars. I wanted wings, thrusters, warp engines of my own. Back then, I knew I could have it all. I would fly, and I would make my father proud.

**2. Middles:**

Of course, it didn't turn out that way. I flew. I crashed. I died. Maybe not literally, but something died in me that day at Caldik Prime. It wasn't the court martial, or being drummed out of the service. It wasn't even being disowned by my father. My love of flight, my invincible confidence in myself – that's what died.

So lacking wings, thrusters and warp engines, what was left of me? I decided alcohol poisoning would be my suicide of choice. I deserved death at Caldik Prime, and I would damn well finish what I started. I had friends waiting.

**3. Ends:**

So who decides where the end is? I thought I knew. I would sell everything I had to buy oblivion at the bottom of a bottle, and eventually a bottle would be the end of me. I had it all sorted out.

But then Chakotay came along and offered me the chance to fly again. And something that I thought was dead and ended in me came to life. I didn't care about the Cause. The Maquis were an opportunity to fly. My dead end turned into a new life, another chance to make a father figure proud of me.

**4. Inside:**

So I screwed it up again, or life screwed me over again. Hard to tell from the inside. Flying, living, dancing between the stars – I had it all for one brief shining moment. Then the stars slipped through my fingers. I was betrayed, captured and caged.

They think I will despair and die, locked away from my beloved skies. But it won't end here. I feed on thoughts of revenge. I will hunt him down and wreak bloody murder on him. I will find the traitor and prove my worth. Chakotay will be proud of me. I will be redeemed.

**5. Past:**

I have escaped my past more completely than I ever thought possible. My previous life is 70,000 light years away. I am a Lieutenant, a respected member of Voyager's crew. I have a friend, for the first time in years. And for the first time ever, it is a friendship based on truth. Harry looks at me and sees *me*, not a Paris male, not a StarFleet failure, not an ex-Maquis. He knows about my past, but chooses to ignore it. Has someone turned off the gravity in here? I've never felt so light. Finally, now I will make good.

**6. Home:**

Captain Janeway has given me a secret assignment, one which could make me the hero I've always dreamed of being. Or it could cost me my life. No contest – my life isn't worth much, and I've gambled with it many times before. But I've never been so close to doing something worthwhile for those I care about. I will leave in shame and sorrow, but come back in glory. I will unmask the traitor, have my revenge and come back to a family that I know I am finally worthy of. At last, I will belong. I will be home.

**7. Happy:**

I can't say it. If I say it, my life will turn to shit again. I completed the mission and had my moment of glory. I was laughing at danger, broadcast to be admired by all the crew. I recorded a copy for my log, so I can watch it again if I ever doubt myself. I admit it – I was great! I risked it all – and won! I'm accepted, admired. I'm a worthy senior member of a StarFleet crew. I've earned my place and everyone knows it. I'm actually… no, call me superstitious, but I still can't say it.

**8. War:**

The Hirogen war simulation is over, and I have very mixed feelings about that. Yeah, I know, war is hell, but it was also freeing. I was a soldier, a fighter, and there was a clearly defined enemy and equally clearly defined buddies who were wholly and completely on *my* side. That was a good feeling.

Somehow the moral certainty of StarFleet and the Prime Directive seem to have been left behind in the Alpha Quadrant. We aren't so sure of ourselves, and the moral issues seem greyer and more complex here. Or maybe it is just me getting older.

**9. Loss:**

Just when I thought I had it all, I've screwed up again. Lost my rank, my friends, even forced the Captain to *fire* on me for God's sake! The Moneans wouldn't listen to reason, so I decided to be unreasonable and try my hand at inter-species terrorism. The Moneans were wrong, but was I right? Was the Captain right? Hell, after thirty days in the brig just thinking I still don't know. The only clear part about all of this is that I've lost everything. I didn't even have to say the "H" word, I just thought it too loudly…

**10. Love:**

Harry and I are talking again – lucky for him. I saved his ass when he almost got caught talking dirty to an alien technician from a xenophobic species. They slept together, and he got biologically addicted to her. Ain't love grand? If only I could convince B'Elanna that what we have is as good as what Harry found in only two short weeks. Harry and Tal made the most of their time together, enjoyed every moment. I don't think I can imagine love without fighting, without Klingon mating bites, without hot, violent make-up sex. Then again, maybe I won't bother…

**11. Trust**

The Devore are strange. They feel that in order to promote trust, it is necessary to destroy telepaths. I assume they fear telepaths would reveal all their deep-laid deceptions. If they were honest, they would have nothing to fear from telepathy. Truthfully, I'm a little envious of telepaths. I've always felt that people who like me, do so from a secret agenda. For my looks, my name, my StarFleet connections. I guess I don't feel like much of catch in my own right. I wish I could look into B'Elanna's mind and *see* as well as believe in her love.

**12. Memory**

Are we just the sum of our experiences? When the doctor lost his memories, that saved him from a moral dilemma and from the torture of asking himself if he made the right decision. I wish I could have a quick reprogramming of *my* memory banks. Who would I be if I couldn't remember Caldik Prime, being disowned by my father, my seedy days in Marseilles? I sure as hell would be a happier person, but would I be a better person? Hey, maybe I'm the sum of my failures! My father would certainly say so. But B'Elanna would disagree…

**13. Desires**

I have a seriously screwed over psyche. Here I am, in love with a wonderful woman, but when a star beast shows us our deepest desires – mine is about work? Everyone else dreams about family, reunification with their loved ones, and mine is about taking a job in Australia? Without even consulting B'Elanna about what she wants? Did my subconscious assume I would sabotage this relationship before we ever got home? I am *so* screwed if she ever finds out. She isn't exactly the "follow hubby and support his career" type. Wait, what did I just think of myself as…?

**14. Self-conscious**

My subconscious has invaded my conscious – I can't stop thinking about B'Elanna and me getting married. Why not? Our relationship is volatile, but that's in both our natures and we match each other in strength and interests. She designs and builds, so that I can fly and take her up with me. We fight, but nothing that a regenerator can't fix! I know her parents weren't exactly a happy example of married life though. But I love her, and she says she loves me. If I asked her, what would she say? Guess there's only one way to find out…

**15. Planning**

Yes! She said yes! Break out the champagne and confetti – we're getting married! My wild bachelor days are over, and I won't miss them. Meaningless sex, unremembered nights with faceless strangers – forget all that. I'll be a married man, a husband, with a wife and maybe one day, a child? Children? A son to fly and carry on the Paris name? Or a daughter to follow in B'Elanna's footsteps? Or both? Let's go crazy, why not two of each? We're the only human married couple in the Delta Quadrant so it will be up to us to populate the place!

**16. Wedding**

It was everything I hoped for, all I could have imagined. Chakotay gave her to me and now she's all *mine*! My glorious B'Elanna – firey, intelligent, impulsive, passionate. She said that I made her a better person, but she is the one who saved me. Her love taught me to trust again, to believe in myself and to reach out to others. The Captain married us, Harry was my best man and my true family were all gathered around. I took some pictures for my mother and, who knows, maybe she'll even see them one day. Evidently miracles can happen…

**17. Honeymoon**

Neelix and I spent hours writing a holoprogram for the honeymoon. Chicago, Earth, in the "roaring twenties" when the party was at its height, celebrating the end of a war. Hotel room with a huge (slightly anachronistic) hot tub, champagne on ice, replicator so we don't even need room service. Vintage car waiting to take us wherever we like. Better than real life! Now all I need is B'Elanna to leave the enhanced warp engines and come home to *our* quarters. Nice. Married one day and already domesticated! Harry said it as a joke, but it sounds good to me.

**18. Descent**

The enhanced warp drive was too good to be true. We are all suffering from acute cellular degradation, especially the Engineering crew. Especially B'Elanna. We never made it on our honeymoon. I took the data stick to sick bay and told her all about it. We both pretended that we would go sometime. Pretended she wasn't dying. She smiled, then she was gone. I think I went crazy – I shocked her body over and over with the isosynaptic stimulator until the EMH threw me out.

Oh God.

So that he could perform the autopsy before her body was even cold.

**19. Authenticity**

I'm not who I thought I was. The Captain told us today that we are all biomimetic duplicates of the Voyager crew. Even if we aren't real StarFleet officers or humans, we are still *people*. Who knows what the "real" Tom Paris is doing right now? I can only tell him that unless he's married to the "real" B'Elanna Torres, then I'm living his life a lot better than he is! I *got* the girl, and her death and our obliteration can't change that. Our love, our feelings; they're real – gifted to us by the Voyagers along with our sentience.

**20. Oblivion**

I'm the Chief Medical Officer now. The EMH and half the crew are gone. We have downloaded our personal and mission logs into a time capsule for Voyager or someone else to find. Even if this ship is destroyed there will be a record of who we were, what we accomplished. Not bad for primordial sludge! I won't live much longer, and even if everyone else disintegrates and Acting Captain Kim flies the ship alone, we won't make it to planetfall. I'll spend the rest of my time thinking about B'Elanna and these records; the journeys of the Starship Voyager…

**END**

Note: this is based on the canon episode "Course: Oblivion". If you want to know what happened after Tom was incapacitated, watch Season 5, episode 18. Loved it? Hated it? Want to crit my grammar or punctuation? I love feedback! Help me become a better writer!


End file.
